- Disclaimer: You all know Paramount own
these people. The story is mine, the rest is theirs. As it has always
been, and always will. The quote however, is from Babylon 5 owned by
Warner Brothers. I`m borrowing it because it suits my story so well. No
harm intended. Honestly!!!
"Then I will tell you a secret Captain. Perhaps the greatest of all time. The molecules of your body are the same molecules which make this station...and the nebula outside...burn inside the stars themselves. We are starstuff. We are the universe made manifest,trying to figure itself out. As we have both learned, sometimes the universe requires a change of perspective."
-Delenn to John Sheridan (Mira Furlan & Bruce Boxleitner) Babylon 5
Even Starstuff Requieres A Change of Perspective
by Camilla Sandman
Somewhere along the way I lost track of myself. So concerned with others I neclected to see myself. So I woke up one morning and realized - I couldn`t see past the Captain anymore. And never has the ship seemed so empty.
I dressed and went to breakfast like everyday before. people greeted me on the way, but they words seemed shallow and empty. The food tasted the same as yesterday. The stars didn`t seem to glitter at all, only dim, like lights went out, only the reflection left.
I entered the bridge and acted captainly. It seemed like the only thing I knew how to do. The crew didn`t notice. Where I always like this, cold, unemotional? Finally I retired to my quators, blaming a slight ilness, feeling lost like never before.
I didn`t hear the door.
The touch of his fingers on my shoulder made me completly freeze. So getle a touch, so caring, so comforting, but still not bold or intruding. How could he speak so clearly just by one touch?
I tilted my head to met his gaze as I realized how stupid I must have looked, stitting on the floor doing nothing. I forgot the thought as soon as his eyes met mine. His dark eyes had an expression I could not quite read. Pity? Worry? Concern?
"Love," a small voice whispered to me. I blinked. Love? Sure, he cared for me, had feelings for me. But love? Such a terrefying thought.
"What is wrong, Kathryn?" 4 simple words. Words that made my world crash hard at my feet.
I cried on his shoulder while he rocked me gently, wordlessly, stroking my hair gently. I clinged to him like one drowning cling to a piece of wood on a stormy sea, my nails digging into his back.
But in the end, I had no more tears. Only then let he me go, only to take hold of my hands and study my face as if memorising it. I shook my head, my eyes on the floor.
"Don`t... Chakotay, I look awful...."
His gaze never left my face.
"No. You look beautiful," he simply stated, before lifting my chin, making my eyes face his.
"I don`t know who I am anymore," I whispered, terrefyed that he might leave, terrefyed that he would stay. My eyes stung again, tears I didn`t know I had rolled silently down my cheeks.
He smiled. Such a beautiful smile.
"But you see, I know. Kathryn Janeway is one of the most caring persons I know. She cares about people, often so much she forgets to care about herself. And she is my best friend."
His hands wiped away the tears so gently. Such gentleness combined with such strenght. His forehead brushed against mine, his hair tikling me, almost forcing me to smile.
"I`m afraid. Chakotay, I`m so afraid. My feelings. I bottle them up. I`m so afraid... I will loose them."
He didn`t say anything. Instead his hands were tightly clasped in mine. The intimacy seemed strangely right, not intruding at all. I began to feel strangely at peace, his forehead against mine, his hot breath against my skin, his closeness comforting me.
And I suddenly realized I needed to tell him. Now, while I still had these feelings, while I still dared, before they were gone with the rest of me.
"I have feelings for you, Chakotay." His breath stopped dead, but he didn`t let go, his grip as firm as ever.
"I`ve had them for a long time. I haven`t allowed myself to act on them. So may exuses. Mark, the ship, protocol, the duty... But one by one they faded. It all boils down to one thing. I`m afraid. I`m confused because I`m afraid. Because I have never felt like this before. I`m afraid of what we would have together, afraid it wouldn`t work but more afraid that it would. I need you, Chakotay. So I let you come close, but I always found an exuse to push you away too. The Borg. My role as the Captain. I used you. I`m sorry."
The silence hung heavily in the air. My hearbeat echoed through my body, I wanted so much to see his expression, but I kept my eyes firmly on the floor.
Finally he spoke, his voice strangely calm.
"I`m afraid too, Kathryn. I hid my feelings behind sayings and legends. Always telling myself to wait for the right moment to tell you, but never finding it."
His laughter felt like bubbles of joy against my skin.
"I guess this is as good as time as any."
He gently tilted my head up again, making me face him.
"You know that I love you, Kathryn. I have for a long time. But I accepted that you didn`t want a relationship other than friendship with me. Still I hoped - and waited. I may met others I could build a life with, but it would always have been a place in my heart for you."
At that moment I realized something. We live in a great universe, struggeling to find a place for ourselves in the great scope of things. But sometimes, what you need is a change off perspective.
"I love you." It came out like a whisper, but the way his pupils dialeted, I knew he heard it.
The first touch of our lips were barely a touch at all. Meeting for a second before he pulled back, seeking confirmation in my eyes. He traced my jawbone with his fingers before leaning forward enough to let his lips linger on mine. They were strangely warm, a odd sensation, full, and gentle. So gentle.
It was almost like a first kiss. So careful, gentle, soft... Like a dream, a sweet daydream of how a first kiss should be, but never was. I let him take his time, his pleasure being mine, healing wounds and making a new start. We explored each other throughfully, unwilling to let go, making out sitting on the floor, shy as teenagers.
He finally pulled back to look at me, my face still in his hands. I used the brief break to get up and he looked up at me questionly but I simlpy pulled at him, heading him towrd the bed. When he realized it, his pupils dialeted again.
"Kathryn..." he breathed, but I silenced him with a kiss, pulling him down with me as I fell. He shifted on top of me, worried his weight would be too much, but I didn`t let him, grapping his hair and pulling him as close as I could. It was a far more passionate kiss this time, our lips almost crushing against it each other, years of unresolved sexual tension finally acted out. If i started pulling at his clothes first or him at mine, I can`t be sure of. With clothes out off our way, the pace slowed, allowing us time to explore each other. His lips kissing every centimeter of my body while small moans escaped my throats, me giving him the same treatement while his hands played in my hair. And finally both reaching our climax, me first, then him shortly after, out bodies tangeled in each other, never letting go.
Some time later he lifted his face on his alboue, studying me intently. I met his gaze with a smile, a feeling of calmness filled the room.
"Chakotay?"
"Hm....." he moaned, his fingers busy tracing my lips.
"Did you know that the molucles that burn in the stars are the same that make out your body?"
"Yes... I guess so. Why?" His fingers were moving further down, finding the spot on the hollow of my throat still red from his teeth mark.
"You just seemed like starstuff to me." His fingers closed on my one breast, teasing with it, but still keeping his eyes on mine.
"Kathryn... What made you have this... change of heart?" he asked queitly.
"It`s more a change of perspective, the universe requeries that from time to time" I replyed, then realizing I were still crying. He looked at me starngely, but a smile were forming on his lips.
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