- Letting Go of a Past
by Camilla Sandman
Disclaimers: Paramount owns Voyager. Yadda, yadda, yadda...
Based loosly on "Unforgettable", though I haven't seen it. Don't want to either.
She didn`t mean to find his memories.
She was just lying awake, trying not to toss in the bed. Trying not to wake him. He was sleeping so peaceful, his one arm around her, protectivly. His face showing an expression of complete happiness, his breath in her hair like a warm caress. So sweet. But still she couldn`t sleep.
Too much were hanging over her like a dark cloud, unableing her to see the sunrise. The sunrise that was her new life. The sunrise that could fastly become sunset.
So she had gently moved herself out of his gentle hold on her and started pacing the room. No lights were on, only the dim starlight showed her the outlines of the room.
She hadn`t meant to find them. They just were there. Lying behind one of his sand paintings, a roll of paper. With the memories of a forgotten love.
So she read it. And the dark clouds got darker.
Another woman. With him. Someone he had loved. She had no reason to feel betrayed, but she did.
"Kathryn?"
His voice was sleepily, a bit confused, but mostly loving.
It had taken her so long to accept that love, to see it in herself, but now it was ruined. Forever.
"How could you??!!"
She turned and yelled at him. He blinked, looked confused, moving toward her. She didn`t let him.
"No! Don`t you dare touch me! I`m no Kellin!"
The utter surprise and shock in his face was almost heartbreaking. He froze, standing there, just looking at her. The silence between them hung in the air. A second could have passed, an hour, she didn`t know. She lost all consept of time.
But finally he sendt down on the bed, looking up at her. She remained standing, clutching his papers to her chest.
"You read it?"
"Yes."
Silence again. Her fingers cluched the paper so hard it hurt. Still she refused to move even an inch.
"I can`t remember any of it."
He looked down at his fingers, looking so helpless she almost moved a step toward him to hug him. But she refused the temptation, tears stinging in her eyes.
"But Kathryn.. At the time you didn`t mind.. Or so I write.... Kathryn, I.. I..."
The words failed him.
It took a second before she realized she hold her breath. And she realized she was crying.Silent tears running down her cheeks.
"I`m sorry... But it`s ruined now..."
"Kathryn!"
His voice was a plea, his look desperate, but she ignored it, running for the door.
He tried to cath her, but all he caught was air.
The door hissed shut behind her.
**********
Part Two
She watched him enter her quaters, looking a tad bit confused.
"Kathryn.." he breathed.
She only stood there for a while, drinking in the vision of him.
His muscular chest and strong arms, his dark eyes, always communicating his love for her.
Chakotay.
"Why am I..."
She didn`t let him answer. In two steps she was standing by him, a hand hesitantly reaching out for his.
He glasped it, his eyes holding her just as strongly.
"I need to say something.. I..."
"Hush..."
He placed a finger on her lips, slowly caressing them.
"I know what you`re going to say. I can read it in your eyes."
Placing his lips where his finger had been, it seemed to sooth her pain away. It was gentle at first, barely touching at all, making her long for more, to forget everything but the man holding her in his arms. As the kiss deepened, her ams encircled his neck, his making circles on her back. A slow joining of two souls.
She wasn`t aware of moving to the couch, but suddenly they were there, he on top, pressing her down, but she welcomed the weight, wanting to feel him all over her. Close, but not close enough.
Suddenly she pushed him off, regaining her breath.
"Chakotay, I need to say this. I need to let go of my past..."
"Allright."
He pulled away a little to give her space, but his hand stayed glasped in hers.
"Chakotay.. When I read what you had written.. I... used it as en exuse to get out. I was afraid. Justin.. Mark.. I lost them. I was afraid of losing you. And by pushing you away, I did."
It was quiet for a while. She didn`t dare look at him.
"Kathryn.. I love you."
"I love you too." It came like a whisper, and she got up, still not looking at him. It hurt too much, the regret, the guilt that she`s never said those words to him before, and now it was too late.
"That`s why I had to say this.. To let go off the past.."
She felt him move up behind her, using his strenght to turn her around. His eyes held only love, no anger, no regrets. He forgave her. It was too much.
Too much because she still couldn`t forgive herself, she may never, because it was her fault. All because of those memories she had found. All because she couldn`t let go off the past, not his, not hers.
"Chakotay.."
He took her in his arms, holding her closely, her head resting against his chest. Finally she broke off.
"I had to do this...."
He looked at her confused, she turned away, not bearing to met his eyes. Tears were threatning to overcome her, but she straighten up, her heart breaking as she started to walk.
"Computer, end hologram."
She didn`t turn around, but the turning off sound told her that he was gone. Forever. Resting among the stars somewhere, killed trying to save her and the ship, always there for her, even in his death. And now at last, had she told the truth. Not to him, he was gone, but to herself. She could finally.. let go
"Goodbye, Chakotay."
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