- Seeking Harbor
ByCamilla Sandman
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager. Don`t we all wish it were the other way around?
We are are so many and yet so alone in the great universe. As boats on an open seas we sail alone, occationaly seeking harbor and company, but... In the end we are alone. We are alone.
Worse than being all alone in the night is being alone in the crowd. The people surrondes me, and she is always near me, yet so far away. She seeks harbor in my arms now and then, comfort in the flames of passion. I give it to her, telling her she is not alone. She smiles at it, but says nothing.
I can watch her for hours as she sits in the mess hall, staring at the stars we pass. A serious, yet blank expression. So much the Captain. It was as a Captain she tamed me, the Angry Warrior, but it was as Kathryn she won my heart. Does she know? She must. I have decleared my love for her in every way but the words. Even as she sit there now, I love her. And she replies to me by playing, a dangerous game that fast can get serious, but neither will be the one to stop. Looks, touches, words that bring us closer to the abyss, yet we refuse to back away.
I know what she thinks as she sits there. Not again. Again hopes have been raised.. and dashed. Starfleet cannot help us. We are alone. She feels alone.
She comes to me this night. I have been waiting for her. The feeling of anticipation lies heavy in the air as she enters. My heart is filled with both sorrow and joy. For awhile we just stand still, she by the door, me further into the room, by the bed.
"Kathryn."
I acknowledge her in the half-darkness of my quaters. As always she wants the lights to be off, so she can pretend it isn`t real. Deny it to herself. I let her, hungry for what little she gives me.
"I am tired, Chakotay."
Her words sets my body on fire, but I remain motionless where I stand.
"Please..."
She reaches out for me, but I pull back.
"What do you want, Kathryn?"
I can hear her shifting uncomfortably.
"I want.. you," she says at last, moving toward me again.
"Do you really?" I whisper, but my restistance has left me. She is too close, and my heart is ponding to fast.
"Yes..." she whispers back, seeking my lips. I reply with a hunger that surprises both of us, pushing her up against a wall. It`s been a long time. She is just as hungry as me, already pulling at my uniform top. Impatiently I touch her where I know she likes to be touched, soon I am rewarded with her soft moans. Clothing is removed, we both are impatient, needing this, but for different reasons.
Afterwards we just lay there. I hold her tightly, but she already slipping away again. She have gotten what she came for. And me? I still need one more thing.
"Stay the night," I beg her. If she stays, I can make this real. If she stays.. I am not alone. She smiles at me, and for a moment hope enters my heart.
But when morning arises, and I wake, my bed is empty.
*************
I see her as I enter the mess hall, looking out at the stars again, a hand raises to her chin. Her thoughts are far away, focused on getting the crew home. What I give her is the strenght to carry that burden. To be the Captain.
We act as if nothing have happened. As if I have never tasted the sweetness of her lips, heard her cry out in passion. Life will go on like normal.. Until the next time.
I hope.. and I fear the next time, because every time she comes to me, a piece of me dies.
All love is unrequited. All of it.
And I am alone.
******
Fini
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