FEAR
Title: Fear
Author: Camilla Sandman
Address: [email protected]
Archive: Go ahead, just let me know
Category: Mulder musings on fear.. and hope
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Millennium and *the* kiss
Disclaimer: I don�t own �em. If I did, I would be a lot richer! Chris Carter is the lucky owner, I just borrow them for my own entertainment, and not for profit.

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Fear.

It�s an all to familiar emotion. Fear. Every time we go out there, it lurks in the back of my mind. Sometimes it grows to a small whisper, sometimes to an overwhelming roar.

�You could loose her.�

So many times I have seen her almost slip away, almost lost her. Each time, the fear grows. It feeds on every �almost�, on every �saved by the bell�, on every anguished cry of her name.

I�m past the point where I can handle losing her. She�s too important. Her importance long since outgrew that of the Quest, yet that is how I have kept her. She has grown on me, become the willow which I rest under. The pillar of my life. And the owner of my heart.

I think she knows that, deep inside, yet we move about it as teenagers, shy, afraid.

I fear I would ruin it. I fear I would screw up, like I have before. That *I* would be the one taking her away from me. Still, it�s no longer stoppable. Sooner or later we will cross the line. She knows it, I know it. The first rock of the avalanche has started its slow fall down. Our first kiss. I iniated it, but she gave me the second one on this couch just a few minutes ago.

We were watching a movie, she was becoming sleepier by the minute, but no move towards going home. After a while she leaned towards me, resting her head on my chest. She looked up at me with a dreamy expression, one that I�d walk miles through the desert to see. Then she kissed me. As simple as that, out of the blue, taking my breath away. Her lips had traces of salt from the popcorn, her tongue of the wine we had shared. She broke it off after a few seconds, retreating back to resting on my chest. Soon, she was fast asleep.

I can still taste her in my mouth, and her hair tickles my chin. Even now, I look at her with fear in my eyes. I think she loves me, yet I fear she does not. That she�s just another Diana. And soon we�ll come to a cross-road and I will find out. I fear the day, and I long for it.

But for tonight, I am content holding her as the night ascends. Whatever my fear says.. I have not lost her yet. Maybe for once, I will let hope win over my fears.

She loves me.

Awards Won/Babylon 5/ Buffy/World of Dreams Awards /Forgotten Realms/
HL:The Raven/ Links/Mail/ Main/Miss Sandman's Stories/New/Red Dwarf/RPG/
Touching Evil/ Voyager/Water Rats/Wheel of Time/Webrings/X-Files/The Lady of Dreams/