In Darkness Find Me
by Camilla Sandman
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek. Now that must be a surprise, huh??
Part one:
All We Had, Torn Asounder....
Of all the people she couldn`t face right now, Chakotay was on the top of her list. The doorbell kept sounding, she didn`t have the strenght to ask him to go away. Finally the quiet settled in her room again...
Then the door hissed open.
"Kathryn?"
Utter darkness answered him. And a sore sound, like a hurt puppy, but distant. Like someone was trying to hide it.
"Kathryn?"
He followed the sound and the sight that faced him would haunt him for the rest of his life.
She was sitting on the floor, her knees drawn up, her clothes torn. And a ugly purple bruise on her forehead. But what really would haunt him for sleepless night to come were her eyes. Like two dark wells without anything in them. No depth, no soul. Nothing. Just darkness.
"Kathryn???!!???"
She didn`t answer, just a slight movement of her head indivcated that she had heard him. Her whole body was shivering and most of all she looked like a hurt deer, trying to hide.
"Oh God...."
He gasped as he was the bruises further down her body. No. No. Not this. Of all things... No. No. Not her. Not this. Not to her. He shook his head franically, trying to shake away reality.
"Kathryn...." he stated softly, but inside he burned with rage. He wanted to scream, to find whoever did this, only he couldn`t. Right know she needed him strong. Needed him, not the revenge.
She still didn`t reply, so he sat down beside her, gently putting a hand on her knee.
She jerked up.
"Leave me alone!! No, please, just leave me alone..."
Her scream shock him to the depth of his soul. She couldn`t think he...
"Kathryn, it`s me..."
Her eyes focused on him, and finally he saw a something there. She seemed to reconize him, trying to get away.
"Chakotay, I..."
Gently he took her hand, stopping her from getting away. She fought, but without passion, and suddenly she seemed to give up.
She couldn`t bear it more, and fell toward him. He held her gently as she sobbed into his chest, his mind raging, fighting to maintain control. Stroking her hair gently, whispering comforting words in her ears, it was all he could do but cry himself.
"Hush, Kathryn... Hush, it will be allright... I`m here... Hush...."
She answered only by hanging on to him harder, her nails digging into his back.
Whoever had done this to her, he found find the guy. And make him pay for doing this to her, the sweetest person he knew off. Kathryn. His Kathryn. Someone had taken from her that which she wouldn`t even give him. A crime worse than he could imagine. And he could do nothing.
So he just sat there, his world as well as hers falling to pieces around them.
Part Two:
Betrayed
Somewhere along the line, she ran out of tears. Still she hang on to Chakotay, trying desperatly to shut the world out. Shut the memories out.
She had trusted him. And he had betrayed her. The worst betrayal there was.
***********
It had been a fun evening. Music, dancing, people laughing. It had been a long time since Kathryn had seen her crew so happy. And Chakotay had been abseloutly radiant, smiling at her every time she looked. And she had looked a lot. The enegry between them had been electrifying this evening. Anyone within a 20 meters radius could feel it. And everyone smiled knowingly, pasiently, sure it would happen sooner or later. And by the looks of tonight, probably sooner.
They danced without letting go of each others eyes, moving their bodies as close as they dared according to protocol. And when they thought no body looked... A hand trespassing on forbidden terretory, but just slightly, an "accident".
And from the shadows Kathryn was awere of eyes following her, taking both her and Chakotay in. She shrugged it off.
And as the evening started to move into night, the Commander walked his Captain to her quaters. Both a bit unsteady, grinning like two schoolchildren on Christmas Eve.
As they reached her quaters, she lent toward the wall, facing him.
"I had a great time, Chakotay.. Thanks for forcing me to come."
He grinned like a mad man, leaning so close their noses almost touched.
"My pleasure, Captain."
"Really?"
She knew she was teasing and that sooner or later he would call her up on it, but she just couldn`t help herself.
"Really."
She tapped her finger on his nose, and slowly she leaned closer.
"Kathryn..."
His voice had turned serious, his eyes turning husky with desire. And his hand barely touching her suddenly seemed to set her skin on fire. And his lips were so, so close.. It would only take a slight movement of her head and then....
She straightened out just as she were about to make that move, apoligizing with her smile.
"See you tomorrow, Commander..."
He nodded formally, but the disappointment flashed in his eyes. Then he turned and left and things would never be the same.
She stood there looking after him, her heart beating wildly, knowing she couldn`t keep it up any longer.
"Tomorrow," she promised herself, "tomorrow I`ll tell him. Tomorrow I`ll do it."
The door hissed open, and the voice behind her starteled her.
"Captain, going to bed already?"
She turned to give him a polite nod, but before she could get around, she was pushed, hard. The fall was not far nor hard, but it crushed the breath out of her lounges. When she finally got it back, he was already on top of her, pinning her to the floor. In one movement her comm badge was off, the ways of her escape narrowing.
"You are mine tonight, Kathryn. Mine."
The voice was but a whisper by her ear, the smell of alcohol heavy in the air.
No. Oh God, no. Not him. She trusted him. He couldn`t be trying to...
Shoving hard, she tried to get him off. He lost balance, and for a second she was free, for a second she thought she would escape, but we was there already, cathing her as she ran, slamming her against the bed.
She hit it with her back, hurt hardly felt the pain as terror filled all her senses. Fighting desperatly she tried to break free, but his hands were everywhere, on her mounth, on her breats, tearing her clothes off. Anger started to bubble inside her. She was the Captain, danmit! He had no right... Feeling his arousal only made her angrier, and with one fast movement, she kicked him right where she knew it would hurt.
He only blinked, rage entering those until now normal eyes. She had knew him for years. How had she not seen this coming? How could she be so stupid?
He slapped her, hard, her chin stinging, but she felt nothing except numbness.
"Bithch!!" he yelled.
And slapped her again. And again. But it didn`t matter. All that mattered where his raging eyes. His frightening eyes that held no escape for her. Only eternal suffering.
She tried to cry, but his hand were pressed against her mounth, allowing only muffled sounds to escape.
"Don`t make me hurt you, Kathryn... You belong to me. I`m only claiming what is rightfully mine. You understand, don`t you?"
His eyes locking hers, and she could only nod, tears threatning to overcome her.
She had never felt this helpless. Never. It was like she only now understood what being a victim truely meant.
His hands had teared her underwear off, and she felt him shift to allow himself entery. Her heart didn`t seem to beat, time seemed to have stopped at that moment he penetrated her, those eyes she had known locked on her face, shining madly in ecstacy.
"Oh God..." she managed to think, "Chakotay, I am so sorry..."
Then everything else slipped away and all she felt was the pain in her breats, threatning to consume her and him inside her, moving, yelling as he reached his climax. And everything on her seemed to be filthy.
The next thing she knew was that he was gone, and she was lying on the floor where he had left her. The whole room was dark, and all she wished for were darkness to swallow her. To never have to face anyone again.
Her body ached, and the pain in her abdomen was like a allconsumming white light. But his eyes were still there, shining in the darkness. At her. Forever claiming her as his.
She hugged herself, rocking slightly as she sobbed out the only name that came to mind.
"Chakotay..."
Dreading to see him, needing to see him. Alone in the dark with those eyes.
*************
Chakotay had gently lifted her enough to face him. She could see his rage in them, but also the concern, and the love. The love that were filthy now. Because of the betrayal.
"Tell me what happened, Kathryn. Tell me who did it."
And so she did, while the ship continued forward among the stars, seeming almost to mourn.
Part three:
Shadows in the Mirror
He had carried her to his quarters, and now she slept in his bed. He had often dreamed off that, but not like this. Not ever like this. From time to time she would whimper in her sleep, each time the sound broke his heart. Tucking her in, he had prayed for her to sleep peacefully, but somehow he doubted that was possible for either of them.
He paced the floor, back and forth, back and forth. Feeling like he was burning from the inside. What she had told him.. It felt like he had a gigant ball in his chest, growing by the minute, threatning to choke him.
Finally he stopped walking, to look into the mirror and see his own reflection. He could have been there to stop it. He should have been there. He was supossed to protect the Captain.. To.. But she wasn`t his Captain right now. She was Kathryn. His Kathryn. And the guy who did this... The need to throw up filled him, but he stood as he were, staring into the mirror. Afraid he would loose all self-restraining. How could such a seemingly nice man turn out to be such a monster? How could...?
The sound of a site-to-site transport interrupted his thoughts. The Doc materiliazed in front of him, clearly looking confused.
"Commander, what is this emergency and why couldn`t you come to Sickbay....?"
Chakotays look silenced him. It was the look of someone who has lost all, and the fury and rage boiling inside was kept silenced only by the concern.
"It`s the Captain... She..."
He couldn`t even say the word, but the Doc seemed to understand, his eyes widening.
"Is she..."
"She is sleeping. In my bed."
The Doc nodded, moving toward the bed, but stopped as the thought hit him.
"Who did this?"
Despite all his self-control, Chakotay`s two words still came out like a hiss.
"Harry Kim."
Utter silenvce befell his quaters and lasted for a long, long time as the shadows played.
(Author`s note: I wavered much in the choice of the rapist, postponing the choice as long as I could. It wasn`t easy. First I considered letting someone I invented to do it as that would be easiest. However, I wanted the readers to feel as I did: "How could HE have done that?" The sad fact is rapists often are the nice guys. I know, I know, I can`t really see Harry Kim as an rapist either, but at least I get the wanted effect. I considered Tuvok, Paris, Kim, Neelix (for two seconds..) and even Chakotay. (He got off as I needed someone close to janeway to play a part similar to mine in all this, and besides, the thought off what JetCers would do to me if I did indead make him the rapist made me reconsider real fast. I ain`t got a death wish, after all...) It came down to Tuvok, Paris and Kim, and basically I choose the one I like the least. Sorry!! But at least old "read-me-like-a-book" Kim finally does something surprising.)
***********
It was morning on Voyager. But a bleak morning it was. the air seemed thick and everywhere was the feeling of change. And never had so many shadows played in the mirrors.
Commander Chakotay stepped on the bridge, looking like a shadow of himself. Dark rings under his eyes suggeste he had gotten little, if some at all, sleep.
"Commander?"
Even Tuvok`s calm manner seemed disturbed.
"Tuvok, I need you to..."
"Good morning all!"
He froze dead in the middle of the sentance, slowly turning to the newly entered, all happy and smiling, Harry Kim.
"What have you done with the Captain, Commander?"
No one missed the look Chakotay sendt Kim. Hatred. Pure hatred.
"What I have... Tuvok, get him in the brig before I kill him."
Shocked gasps from the bridgecrew, but Chakotay didn`t seem to hear.
"Get him out NOW!"
"What did I do?"
Harry gave a confused smile, shrugging his shoulders.
"What you did? What you DID?" Chakotay`s words came like a hiss, his whole body trembling from the fight to keep control. To fight the urge to beat him up, to choke him, to kill him...
"YOU raped her, you bastard!"
As soon as the words were uttered, Voyager was forever changed. It would never be the same. Words can change the world as much as actions and deeds do. Words have power.
Harry`s smile faltered and everyone froze as they were, eyes darting between Chakotay and Harry. No one dared breath.
Finally Chakotay stepped forward, close enough to whisper to Harry without anyone else hearing it. The words came out between clenched teeth.
"The only reason I`m not killing you as you stand, is Kathryn. She would blame herself for it, and right now she needs her strenght to fight. But know this. You will pay for it. You will. What you took from her... and me.. you had no right to take. And give me one exuse - just one! - and I will kill me. You get me?"
He turned to the security team arriving.
"Take him out of here NOW!"
********
The messhall were filled with quiet, disbelieving voices.
Tom Paris and B`Elanna Torres were as always seated together, but today their realationship was the last thing on their mind.
"I still can`t believe it," Tom said shaking his head, "it`s Harry. Our Harry. Harry!"
"I know," B`Elanna shhok her head also, "I can`t believe it either."
"I mean, couldn`t it just be that they both drank too much and then.."
"Tom!" B`Elanna`s voice was sharp.
"Are you saying you don`t believe the Captain?!?"
"No, no, I`m just.. It`s Harry, you know. Harry. I can`t..."
"I know."
Silence fell.
**********
Chakotay looked at Kathryn sleeping. The tranqulaisser the Doc had given her obviously had worked, her breath seemed quiet and relaxed. The Doc had wanted to move her to Sickbay, but Chakotay had refused, insisting on keeping her in his quaters. At a look at his face, the Doc had agreed, on the term to be contacted as soon as she woke up.
In here he could guard her. Guard her like he should have. In here she would be safe. His Kathryn. The bridge were in the capablr hands of Tuvok, so all he had to concern himself with were right here, in his quaters.
Clinging on to her hand, the tears rolled quietly down his face, weting the bed sheet.
He didn`t look in the mirror, knowing all he would see were shadows.
Part four:
What You Took From Me...
Kathryn woke up in darkness. For a second she was confused, why was she sleeping in Chakotay`s bed, why was he clinging onto her hand sleeping beside her on the floor and how...
It hit her like a missile with full strenght, it felt like being slammed and crushed the breath out of.
"Oh God..."
Gently noving his hand away, she stood up, moving to the mirror.
It didn`t look like her. Like Captain Kathryn Janeway. The cool, collected Starfleet Captain. The woman looking back from the mirror was a victim with a purple bruise, swollen eyes and...
Christ, it wasn`t her. This was only a shadow of her. It would never be her again. What he had taken from her could never be given back.
She looked at Chakotay sleeping, a troubled look on his face.
"I wanted to give it to you." Tears stung her eyes, desperate tears.
Unclean. Filthy. How could she ever face anyone again? They would look at her and think.. No, no. It took all of her willpower to keep standing.
He had to be punished. She had trusted him, put her life in his hands many time. Sweet little Harry. How could he have.... He had betrayed her.
He had to be punished.
Quietly she grapped Chakotay`s extra phaser and slipped out of his quaters, just wearing her blue Sickbay dress. Thankfully she encountered no one, she barely mamaneged to move forward as the hurt in her body grew.
The guard in the brig montioned to stop her, but with a wink of her hand he went out, his face so compassionate it hurt.
Removing the energy shield, she stood face to face with... the monster who... Her whole body trembled, but she kept the phaser steadily pointed at his chest.
Harry looked up at her, his face filled with terror and... pity? Regret?
"Captain.."
"So now it`s Captain, is it???" she yelled, wishing her voice didn`t shake so much.
"Captain, whatever you think happened..."
"Shut up!!" Her voice still shook, but now a hard edge had entered it.
"What you took from me...." Looking at him made it harder, she wanted to hate him, needed to hate him..
"You deserve to die!"
"Kathryn..."
She twiched, but didn`t back off.
"I need to do this, Chakotay."
She could hear him move closer, but refused to look, afraid that might discourage her.
"You`re not a killer, Kathryn. Neither am I. If you do this, it will tear you from the inside, destroy you. Then he will have won."
"He deserves to die!"
"Perhaps. And some who die deserves life. Can you give that to them? We are not here to judge."
She shook her head wildly, tears stinging in her eyes.
"Give me the gun, Kathryn. Don`t let him win."
He was just behind her now, so close she could feel his breath, reaching out a hand.
So much easier to hate someone who is dead. So much easier...
She closed her eyes - and fired.
Slowly exaling, she opened them again, looking at the hole in the wall half a meter over Harry`s head. Harry looked at it too, his breath going really fast.
And now Chakotay`s arms were around her, trying to make the outside world go away.
"What he took from me..."
"I know," he said, his face buried in her hair, "I know."
So much easier... But the easy way isn`t necessarily the right way.
Part Five:
The Depth of My Love
Changes were over Voyager. Changes everywhere. Tuvok were in commande of the bridge, for how long no one knew. Harry Kim were pacing the brigfloor. The Commander and the Captain had not been seen since they left the brig together. Some said they were living together, others simply hushed on the ones speaking. And for better or worse, Voyager continued forward as always.
Kathryn`s physical wounds were healing. The bruises were almost gone, but the empty look in her eyes stayed. And they scared Chakotay more than anything. She had started to speak to him about everyday shipbuisness, smiling at him from time to time, but those eyes... No depth, no soul, no love..
"Chakotay?"
He turned to the door where B`Elanna entered.
"She`s sleeping."
She nodded quietly, moving to stand in front of him.
"How are you, Chakotay?"
He only shook his head.
"The crew... we are all stunned. Don`t know what to think. How you must feel, I can`t even imagine."
"How I feel, is not importent. I got to take care of Kathryn. She..."
"Chakotay, look at me. Look at me!"
He finally looked up, facing her. Her eyes seem to spark with anger, but concern also. Just like her. Getting angry because she cared.
"You will not be any good for her unless you clean up your own mess first."
With those words, she left.
***********
When Seven entered the brig, Harry`s heart jumped.
"Seven..." he gasped.
She only looked at him, her face expressionless.
"Surely you don`t..."
"The Borg never sexually harassed. In the Collective we had no need for sexuality. When becoming human again I had to learn about human sexuality. It intriged me. Now it has also disgusted me," Seven simply said, her voice as expressionless as her face
"Seven..."
"The Collective is always in search of new drones. They will remove your sexuality."
***********
Kathryn woke up, and not for the first time, she wondered what part pf the day it was. Even which day it was.
"Kathryn?"
Chakotay. He was always there it seemed. Nodding slightly, she pulled up her knees - almost protective. Hurt flasheed across his face, then anger, then concern. All in matter of seconds.
"How are you?"
She opened her mouth to speak, but found herself unable. How are you, how are you, how are you...
"I..."
Slowly moving up in the bed to her, he wrapped his arms around her, rocking her like a little child.
"Look, I know it will take time. Just know I`m here when you need me."
"But I`m not her.. I`m not Kathryn Janeway anymore."
Pausing a moment to move strands of hair from her face, he smiled gently.
"You are in my heart. You will always be."
A week ago she would have reminded him of protocol. A week ago, and she was a different person. Today she only answered by moving her hand to his chest, placing it over his heart.
"Harry is gone."
"What??" It almost came out like a gasp.
"In a shuttle. But somehow it was - changed. Someone had layed in a course for Borg space. We tracked it a while, then the signal disappeared. It was picked up by a Borg vessel."
Tilting his head slightly, he looked down at her, for the first time since what happened seeing a bit of the old Janeway in her eyes.
"Who did it?"
He only shook his head.
"Have Tuvok..."
Laughing, he nodded.
"Yes, Captain."
"Chakotay, I`m not ready to be the Captain again. Or the Kathryn you want."
"We have time." He placed his own hand over hers, his eyes smiling slightly.
"If Harry haden`t... I might never have come to you, Chakotay.. I.." Tears stung in her eyes, and he shifted a bit, letting her head rest on his chest.
"Hush, Kathryn. It will heal. In time, it will heal."
And like that they sat, her head on his chest, his arms securily around her, clinging to each other.
Seven looked out to the stars, her face as expressionless as always. Behind her Tuvok watched her, and knew.
B`Elanna and Tom were wrapped in each others arms, seeking comfort.
Neelix was turning the light off in the mess hall, Naomi watching him with a smile.
Voyager were moving alone between the stars.
The stars shone like ever before, alone in the vast, cold space.
And space was eternity, an eternity alone.
The mortals didn`t know the gift they had been given. Doomed to be alone only if by choise. And so time passed. It always does. In the end, that is all we know.
Part 6:
In Darkness Find Me And Let Me Lead You On the Path of Light (Epilouge)
"Aunt?"
Kathryn Janeway looked up from her PADD to see her niese stand in the doorway.
"Yes, Camilla, sweetheart, what is it?"
The girl still stood in the doorway, obviously heistant. Her brown-reddish hair was down for the occation, her face was greatly troubled
"Something has happened. I..."
Taking a deep breath, the 18 year old girl seemed to waver between turning back or continue on the path she had set.
"My best friend was raped."
Silence.
"By a guy who tried to rape me 3 years ago."
Putting away the PADD, Kathryn slowly walked to her, hugging her fiercly.
"I`m so sorry."
"I don`t know what to do.. How to feel... The gang down at the club.. You know, the JetC club, they have all been great.. But I..."
For a while silence fell in the room. The white curtains moved slowly in the wind coming from the open window. From outside came distant sounds and the stars shone brightly. It was a milde summerevening.
Finally Kathryn took a decision.
"I guess you are old enough to know by now."
"Know what?"
Even though her voice was still saddened, she couldn`t hide the curiousity that had crept into it. She loved stories.
"Many years ago, when I was Captain of the Voyager, before we returned home, I was raped. By a one of my crew. I pludged into deep darkness for months. But in the end.. I came out again."
"What did you... How did you handle it?"
"I`m not sure I did. There are no good ways of handling a rape. It feels like something has been taken from you, something you never can have back."
"Can you have it back?"
Kathryn smiled sadly, stroking her niese`s hair.
"No. But it can be given to you again as a gift of love. Your uncle gave it to me. It took months before I even dared kiss him, but he was patient and slowly he lead me back. It took years before I was fully healed... If one can be healed from such a wound. The scars are always there."
"I`m afraid..."
"I was too. I felt so guilty. But nothing invites rape. Nothing. When the guilt passed I felt angry. I wanted to punish him. Your uncle stopped me. He told me I would hate myself, and he was right. The victory over rape only comes if you can get past it. Hate is such a powerful emotion. It controls you, eats you up from the inside. You must let go off the hatred in the end, or you will never get out of that darkness. "
"So what happened to the guy who..."
"Someone on my ship sendt him to Borg space. We never found out who, but I certainly had my suspecions."
"But what should I do?"
"I don`t know, sweetheart. Each has to find their own way. But lean on your friends and family. We are there for you. It might not seem like friends and family can do much, but just knowing they are there is often enough. It will feel like you carry the burden alone, but you don`t. I am here. Your uncle is here. Your friends are here. And when the terror, guilt and anger pass you will see that. Take time. Take the time to heal. And when you have healed, then you can help your friend."
"Am I interrupting something?"
They both looked up at the man in the doorway. Despite all the years she had been married to him, Kathryn`s heart still made a jump. Apart from the strains of grey in his hair, he still looked the same.
"No, Chakotay. Come in. I think we need to tell Camilla a story."
"Which story would that be?"
He walked to her, bending down to kiss her. His mouth tasted of salt, and even the brief contact with his lips were enough to make her exited. But this wasn`t the time. They had plenty of time later, time to tell each other over and over again that their love could withstand anything.
"Of you and me, darling. And the darkness you saved me from."
Leaning so close he was sure only she would hear it, he whispered into her ear.
"In darkness find me, my love."
And so they told the story.
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