DARK CLOUDS
by Camilla Sandman and Kathryn Murphy
Author`s Note and Disclaimer (Cam): Gee, Paramount owns Voyager, I bet none of you knew that. The idea is mine however, with a little help from Kadith in planning it.. But I couldn`t have done it without my wonderful co-writer, AQUIEL!! Any words for your fans, Aqui?
Author`s Note and Disclaimer (Aquiel): Um, my fans? I do believe you meant �Our Fans'! I'll keep this short and sweet, because I know you want to get on with the story, but I would just like to give my thanks to Cam, for giving me the opportunity to help with this story. It's a wonderful idea, and I can only hope that I lived up to her expectations. Thanks:)
Part Four
How the time passes when one is in love. I know it sounds unrealistic, but to me, it's as true as the night is dark. When one has gazed in to the very soul of death, and saw it reflected in his lover's eyes, he learns to appreciate the time spent together.
I said 'In love' but to me, it's much more then that. I've come so very close to losing the most precious thing in my life, and even the strength of my love paled in comparison to the pain she was enduring. All those nights ago, when she finally opened up to me, I could only catch a glimpse of the pain that had been tearing her up inside.
For a moment, an instant in time, I starred down at the very face of despair. And if I ever come close to what I saw that night, it will be too soon.
No one should have to go through what she, what we've been through these past months. We have been tested in ways I couldn't even imagine. But, today, as I look back, I realize that it has only served to make us stronger in the end.
I have found peace, in her, in the miracle she now carries, and in our life together.
I love...
***
POV change
***
Looking out at the stars, passing into the vast unknown, I realize just how much we have in common. If someone had told me 6 months ago that I would ever feel again, I think I would have laughed in their face...if not cried.
Life is about time, and with time comes change. And change is not always easy to obey. But why must I think of it as 'obeying the inevitable'? Why can I think of it as moving on, embracing the future. I don't think I can answer that question right now.
Maybe I never will.
I was never one to believe in miracles; one could say it was unorthodox, but if you were to walk up to me on this very day, and ask "Kathryn Janeway, do you believe in miracles?", I would look you in the eye, smile, and nod.
My life, our love, and the child I carry are living proof, that miracles do happen.
You just have to believe.
Things are not always going to be easy; I can never go back to the way I was. Life as I know it today, is so much more difficult then it was a year ago, but I think, just maybe, with the support of my friends, and Chakotay's love to protect me, it will get easier.
I can only take things one day at a time, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and you know what? I don't think I want to know either.
There was a period in my life, not long ago, when the very shadow of darkness descended onto my soul, and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't make my way through. I was punishing myself, for things that happened, things that were beyond my control, and the guilt that I had accumulated over the years, was slowly destroying my will to live.
My will to fight.
But as my love held me in his arms, the clouds covering my soul slowly began to clear, and over the horizon, my sunlight began to shine through.
Not long ago, I started defining myself with what I was not. I wasn't a mother.. I wasn't brave enough to live with the man I loved.. I wasn't even a good Captain. Now, finally, I can define myself by what I am, instead of what I`m not..
So just what am I?
Alive.
Everything else - is negotiable."
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