DARK CLOUDS

by Camilla Sandman and Kathryn Murphy

Author`s Note and Disclaimer (Cam): Gee, Paramount owns Voyager, I bet none of you knew that. The idea is mine however, with a little help from Kadith in planning it.. But I couldn`t have done it without my wonderful co-writer, AQUIEL!! Any words for your fans, Aqui?

Author`s Note and Disclaimer (Aquiel):Um, my fans? I do believe you meant �Our Fans'! I'll keep this short and sweet, because I know you want to get on with the story, but I would just like to give my thanks to Cam, for giving me the opportunity to help with this story. It's a wonderful idea, and I can only hope that I lived up to her expectations. Thanks:)

Part Three

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POV Change
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I can feel him entering my room. Not hear him, or see him, but feel him. Feel his eyes looking at me. They burn at my skin like lasers. I don`t have to see them to know the look in them, the fear, hurt..

Blame.

"I`m sorry." It`s only a whisper, a hoarse whisper, but he hears it.. or feels it.

"I`m sorry too. That I wasn't here. Kathryn.. I love you."

"I love you too..." I`m not sure if I say that either, but he acts as if I have, holding me tight, rocking me back and forth.

I close my eyes, drifting away. My hero, coming back to save me. Oh, how I love him at this moment.. Love him with a part of me that is dying, that I am killing.

I am sorry, love. I cannot live for you.

It is a strange lullaby indeed, and now comes to claim me.

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POV change
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I don't know how long I sat there, holding her in my arms.

Time just didn't seem to matter.

As she rested her head against my chest, I stroked her beautiful auburn hair; something I had longed to do for months now.

I can't even begin to describe the feelings that were passing through me that night, as we sat, wrapped around each other in her quarters. For so long, the feeling of her in my arms, of her breath against my skin, kept me alive; gave me the strength to keep going.

And now here she was, in my arms now and forever.

I pray...

This fragile woman in my arms is not the Kathryn, my Kathryn I left behind. She is holding on to me so tight, I can feel her fingernails digging through the fabric of my shirt.

She has been through so much these past few weeks, and it hurts me to no end to know that I'm the cause of her pain. If there was anything in this Universe that I could do to make it all better, Gods know I'd try.

I can't believe how much she reminds me of a child at this moment; so small, fragile, and full of so much pain.

I have to wonder what happened while I was gone; what happened to take the light out of her beautiful blue eyes.

My hands move unconsciously to her stomach, the place that once held our precious child. It breaks my heart that she had to go through that alone.

It makes me angry to know that I wasn't here to protect her.

I cry...

But for now, I'll just hold her, as her tears soak through my shirt, and my tears fall to her hair. I gently pick up her small shaking body and move to her bed. And as I place her down, I climb in behind her, wrapping my arms around her small waist, and whisper softy in her ear.

"I love you"

This is only the beginning of the long journey ahead.

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POV change
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He slept in my bed last night.

I don't remember how we got there, but I know he was with me; I could feel him holding me. As I woke up this morning, I turned to face him, only to find the other side of my bed empty; he left me.

I rolled over, wrapping the warm blanket around me, and buried my face in his pillow. Feeling the warmth of him on my face, inhaling his sent, I just needed to know he had been there; that I hadn't been dreaming.

That he was real.

Pushing back the covers, I pulled my feet to the floor, and slowly made my way to the bathroom. As the doors closed behind me, I stared at my reflection in the mirror.

The woman I saw looking back scared me.

I hastily threw on my bathrobe, tying it loosely in front, and turned back to the doors leading to my bedroom. As I emerged from the entrance, he was there, with coffee in hand.

And desire in his eyes.

The way he looked at me sent chills up my spine. For months we had been separated, with only that one night together, to fuel our dreams. Now he wanted the real thing.

But I couldn't give it to him.

I wanted him, as much as he wanted me, but I couldn't just close my eyes and forget everything that had happened, everything I had done.

I could feel his eyes, as they traced the contours of my body, hidden only by the slight material of my bathrobe. The way he licked his lips, as he looked into my eyes. Asking permission.

I wish I could give him.

I try to tell myself that the way he's looking at me isn't affecting my decision, that the reason my heart is beating so fast is because I'm scared. That much is true.

I want so much to be able to give myself to him, body and soul, but the latter just isn't there to give.

At least not now.

Maybe never.

I try...

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POV change
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When she stepped out of the bathroom, with that robe hugging her slim form, I nearly lost it. She is so beautiful. Even after all that's happened, she can still send my mind reeling out of control.

I told myself that I would give her time; time to come to terms with everything that's happened; my mind says one thing, while my body does another.

She looks so innocent, standing before me, nothing like the strong woman I left behind all those weeks ago.

She has hurt so much. I want to make her feel again.

As I move closer, I tell myself that I will be slow and gentle, unlike our first time together; this time means much more to me.

Today is a day for healing.

I moved my hand to caress her face, and she leaned in to me, before kissing the palm of my hand. I brought my head down to hers, and placed a gentle kiss on her trembling lips, before searching her eyes.

I wanted to know this was alright, that I wasn't going to hurt her. I wanted to make her happy.

As she pulled my mouth back to hers, I brought my hands up to clasp at her shoulders, pressing her small body closer to mine.

As I eased her to me, my mouth found its way to that sensitive spot behind her ear. And as I placed tormenting kisses below her earlobe, I whispered softly. "Let me make love to you Kathryn."

And as she sighed in response, I picked her up in my arms, and moved to the bed.

I desire...

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POV change
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I wasn't going to let him touch me. I promised myself that I wouldn't let him kiss me.

So much for promises.

I've missed him so much, his touch, his smell, the sound of his voice in my ear. For a moment, the look of love in his eye is enough to make me forget the hell I've put him through.

And it's not over yet.

The man who so much wants to make love to me, doesn't know I killed his child. He doesn't know the heartache I feel, but more importantly, he doesn't know what a coward I am.

I've put him through so much, but I can't bring myself to tell him no. He wants to be with me, and I won't deny him that.

So I push my pain aside, and pull his lips to mine, pretending, at least for the moment, that everything is alright.

But inside, what's left of my heart is breaking, because I know, things are never going to be alright.

I die...

***

This is the beginning.

A new beginning. All around me, it is as if the universe is holding its breath, waiting. Waiting while she was sleeping here in my arms, sleeping away all that which has been done wrong. It`s time to make it right.

The universe has given me a gift.

My second chance. My chance to make it right, do again what I did wrong. This time I will do it right. My father once told me: "All of life can be broken down into moments of transition or moments .. of revelation."

This had the feeling of both. A transition into something better, where we stop running from each other. I ran as much as she did, believing her protocol-speech, believing it because I was just as afraid as her.

I have had my revelation. Nothing can conquer love. Not even death. From revelation comes transition.

She stirs in my arms. This beautiful, strong woman whom I have loved my entire life. Whom I have search for without knowing it, without seeing it. I found her, here at last. The search has ended.

Then I look in her eyes.

My father also told me: "Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope. The death of dreams. There is no greater darkness than the darkness of the soul that has lost its way."

I look in her eyes and hear his words echoing in my mind. I see only darkness there.

She is dead to me.

This was never the beginning. This is the end.

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POV Change
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This is the end. I know it even before I open my eyes. Last night I gave him my body, all I have left to give.

A wonderful, loving night where our bodies were one. And I feel.. nothing. Only numbness. My body is tired. Time to sleep.

So I open my eyes one last time, to look at him, remember a time when it was all I wanted.

He must have been waiting for me to open my eyes, for his gaze meets me at once, filled with a joy almost heartbreaking to see. If I could feel... He thinks it`s the beginning, a new beginning. How can I tell him it`s the end, and last night was only a parting gift? How can I kill myself knowing he will be left with all the guilt and pain, and die like I have?

No. I will not let it happen. Not to him. I have one more gift to give, after all.

My soul is dead, but my body lives on, dying so slowly it will seem like living. And one day you will no longer want it, and then, then the last part of me will die, forgotten and alone.

My last gift to you, my love, beyond words, my lost love.

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POV Change
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She smiles at me. But there is no joy in it, no soul. The dying smile of the dead. What I look at is only an empty shell.

"Gods, Kathryn..."

I cry, and this time she holds me, stroking me slowly, saying nothing. Like this I can tell myself I am wrong, that she still lives, but as soon as I see her eyes...

Darkness. And I know now what my father meant. Never have I seen such a darkness. So all-consuming, all-demanding. A darkness of the soul that has lost its way.

"Never surrender to the darkness."

It`s only a whisper, but I hear it as clearly as if it were shouted, and I know it`s my father speaking to me from that part of him I carry with me as his son. I know he is right, but can I fight something I myself have caused?

"Forgive me," I whisper in her ear, over and over. It`s all I can ask of her. All I have the right to ask for.

I failed.

"No, forgive me." For a second I meet her eyes, and it`s her, body and soul united for only a second. But it's enough. She is still not dead, my Kathryn, the one I came back for.

"I saw my own death, and accepted it. I only held on to one thing, the image of you. You brought me back. Could I love that much.. and not forgive?"

At my words, she falls toward me, crying without sound, but it`s she who cries, not the empty shell.

If her soul has lost its way, I can guide it back. Maybe it`s not too late after all.

It`s a long way back. But we just might make it

Part Four

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