DARK CLOUDS
by Camilla Sandman and Kathryn Murphy
Author`s Note and Disclaimer (Cam): Gee, Paramount owns Voyager, I bet none of you knew that. The idea is mine however, with a little help from Kadith in planning it.. But I couldn`t have done it without my wonderful co-writer, AQUIEL!! Any words for your fans, Aqui?
Author`s Note and Disclaimer (Aquiel):Um, my fans? I do believe you meant �Our Fans'! I'll keep this short and sweet, because I know you want to get on with the story, but I would just like to give my thanks to Cam, for giving me the opportunity to help with this story. It's a wonderful idea, and I can only hope that I lived up to her expectations. Thanks:)
I know the sky is always blue, but the dark clouds blocking it from my view are too dark. They are the darkness of my soul. Allowing no glimpse of sun... No light, no hope. The night has come to claim me. I am alone. All alone in the night. What I had.. is gone. You are gone. Once, you stood by my side, showing me how blue the sky is.. But I never really saw it. Until now, when it is too late. I would give my life for just a few more seconds with you. A few seconds to tell you.. You were the best part of my life.
I stand on the bridge and give orders like nothing has changed.. but Ihave. I look to your chair, but it is empty now. They know. They look at me, nothing but sorrow and pity in their eyes. But they cannot bring you back. I need you. How did I ever live without you? It feels as if my life started when you entered it.. and now it is over.You gave me all.. and I gave you death in return. It is my fault, and so I pay the prize. The dark clouds have blocked the sunlight, and nothing can live without sunlight.
And so I die, piece for piece, until I will become nothing but a shadow of myself, a distant memory of what once was. For the memories is all I have now. All I will ever have.
I remember..
Our first kiss. In my ready room, as we had laughed about Tom and B`Elanna, you suddenly looked at me so intensly it made me blush. And you leaned forward just long enough to let our lips meet for a second. And then you pulled back, and we never talked about again. But in lonely nights, the feeling of that kiss lingered in me and grew into a longing that would cause many sleepless nights.
I remember..
Our only night together. The one time I let the fever in my blood that is you take control of my body. The night we had lost Tuvok. You comforted me. We had a few hours living a dream. You were wonerful. I never told you. And we never spoke of it again.
I remember..
Your scream a few weeks later just as we lost contact with your shuttle. At that moment I knew you were gone. I had pushed it. We had found a wormhole.Home was within our grasp. I insisted we sent someone to check it out.You went. I died on the shuttle with you.
"Captain?"
The Doctor calls me, and I look up from my thoughts, realizing I am in Sickbay, and that he`s running tests.
It doesn`t matter. I know what is wrong with me.
"... and congratulations, Captain."
He says something, but I cannot hear what he says, cannot understand it.
"You are going to be a mother."
I remember..
Your name.
"Chakotay jr," I say.
***
For days after it happened, I wouldn't give up on you. I couldn't give up. So instead, I threw myself into my work, trying to undo the impossible. Your death.
What happened? I ask myself that question every single day. Every glance at your chair, every look at your door. Every move in my bed. You haunt me. My decision haunts me. I killed you.
When we found the wormhole, I was so excited, everyone was; even you. We were going home. I remember the night we found it. I was in my quarters, sitting under the stars, looking out into space. I wanted to tell you. I thought it was time. Who knew what little time we had.
I had visions of us, back on Earth, together. We had a home, a beautiful place in Indiana, close to my family. I had a garden; one we made together. You would come home from work everyday, and pull me into your arms, and kiss me so softly, love me so much. Then you would go to our child; our daughter. You always wanted a daughter. You would pick up that little girl, and swing her around, as she squealed in delight. We were happy. We were a family. But it was a vision, a dream. Dreams are nothing more then heartbreak.
My work became my life. Nothing else mattered, everything else reminded me of you. I stopped going to the hollodeck, because it only brought back memories. They were good ones, happy memories. Of you and me, with our friends. You used to tease me about beating Tom at pool.
"Give him a chance Kathryn!" you'd say, flashing me that smile.
That smile, that face, those eyes. I used to take such pleasure, every time you smiled at me. Your eyes would draw me in, and never let go. But I let go. You were the missing link that held my life together, and without you, I will fall apart.
Yes, those were good memories, but I don't deserve to be happy, after what I did to you. The crew tries to be understanding, giving me words of reassurance, trying to be my friend. But I won't let them. Guilt, that is what I know now. That is what I will always know. I haven't forgiven myself for killing you, and until I do, no one else is allowed to either.
I remember...
I'm going to have a child. Your child. Our child. There is a baby growing inside me now, one that we made together. That night, you told me that you loved me, but I pretended not to hear. I didn't want to hear. I wasn't ready for you to say that, because when you did, I would have to tell you how I really felt. How much you meant to me. That I could never live without you.
I'm sitting in my quarters now, under the stars. Alone.
No, not alone, I have this baby with me. I should be happy, relieved that I have a piece of you here, with me always. But I'm not. It's only a constant reminder that you aren't here to share this with me. To help me through this.
There you go again Kathryn, thinking only of yourself.
No, I don't deserve this child, because we made it, under a lie. I lied to you that night, the night we made love. When you told me that you loved me, I turned away. You asked if I loved you. I turned away. I lied to you. I love you so much.
I know that I can never live without you, but you will never know how I feel. And it's all my fault. No, I definately don't deserve this act of love growing inside me. How will it feel to know that its mother killed its daddy?
Death, your death. You're gone. It rolls off my tongue so easily, it hurts. It's just another sentence in the English language, but to me, it's the end of the beginning.
I remember...
We never had a chance.
And now, I see things clear, as if they were made of glass. All life is transitory, a dream. WE all come together in the same placein the end. A place there is no darnkess.
Wait for me there, Chakotay. Wait for me. I have no right to ask so, yet I do, but the only answer I get is the sound of my own desperate heartbeats.
The time between two heartbeats feel infinite. Like time has frozen between twi decitions. Life.. or death. If the next heartbeat comes, I life. If not..
As I lay awake, I wonder if I can stop the heartbeats with my will. Kill eternity. So easy.. and yet so hard. I live for two now. But how can I live for your blood when I can`t even live for myself?
I have gazen into the abyss. And so the abyss gazed into me. It knows my secrets. It lives inside me. Dark, deep, cold. From it blows a wind of ice that slowly freezes me. I am frozen, shivering even under the warm blankets. And the abyss will consume me. Every heartbeat can be my last. Each heartbeat can take me into the abyss. And if I fall, I will never stand again.
And yet I fight. For our baby. For your memory. And because I have always been too stubborn.
But with every heartbeat comes memories. Flashes. Pictures. Smells. Sounds. Feelings.
The feeling of your skin against mine. The fire from old rituals made anew by sweet love once again, as it always have been and always will be. The feeling of profound sadness as you left. I wanted to call you back, to say.. something. I gave you a smile, and you left.
The feeling of death like a knife stabbed in my heart as your scream echoed in my head,
I remember..
It all.
It is a burden, a burden pulling me closer to the abyss. I wish to forget. So I take the bottle and pour the drink.
***
As I sit in my quarters, alone, tired, and ultimately afraid, I stare at the glass. It's so easy to become lost in the reflection of the liquid. I can jump in, and not have to think, about life, about you. Until I need more.
And more is what let me down, more is what destroyed. More killed me.
That first drink. Looking back, I realize that it was that night, when I grabbed the bottle; that was the night that I lost myself.
Oh Gods Chakotay, if you only knew what I did. Not only did I lose you, but I killed your hope.
It hurt me so much; not the physical pain, that was a welcome relief from the despair, but the emotional pain. The pain that edged its way in to my soul, and gripped at my heart. It was losing you all over again.
I remember...
I'm so sorry
I didn't even realize that it was hurting. Whether I didn't know, or just didn't care, but it was my fault.
I woke up in the middle of the night, in so much pain, I couldn't even breath. I thought I was dying, and for a moment, I was relieved.
But I didn't die; just another part of my soul was lost instead. I was covered in blood, my blood, and our baby.
For a long time I just sat there, staring at the innocent life, as it drained out of me, and on to the sheets. I moved my arm, covered in blood, to my eyes. I looked at my hand, as if I could see the baby, as it fought to survive; fought to have the right to an existence. But I took that right away, and I lost. So I sat, and watched.
I didn't cry. When I finally contacted the Doctor, he examined me, as I lay on the biobed, staring ahead. He told me that there was nothing I or he could have done to prevent it. But I knew differently.
If only I hadn't picked up that bottle. If only I hadn't worked so hard. If only I hadn't gotten pregnant in the first place. If only...
I didn't think that I would feel pain, or anything, and for a while I didn't. I just went on. It wasn't hard to pretend like nothing had happened, most didn't even realize I was pregnant. For that, I am grateful.
No, I felt no pain at first, but then one day, all my walls came crashing down. I was in the shower, funny it happened there. The water caressed my face, as my tears fell, and mingled down the drain.
I cried for you that day. I cried because I had been so selfish; I didn't love our child when I had the chance, and now it was too late. It was always going to be too late.
The day I lost our child, was the day my hope died. I will never carry a child again Chakotay. Never. And because I didn't protect that one chance I was given; the one chance that you gave me, I will never feel a life growing inside me. I will never feel that first kick, or hear that first cry.
I remember...
That I will never feel whole again.
**********
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Part Two
HL:The Raven/ Links/Mail/ Main/Miss Sandman's Stories/New/Red Dwarf/RPG/
Touching Evil/ Voyager/Water Rats/Wheel of Time/Webrings/X-Files/The Lady of Dreams/
